busy 🐝

not freaking out for once and it's nice

🏃‍♀️‍➡️🏃‍♀️‍➡️🏃‍♀️‍➡️ I’m so busy these days. Running from meeting to meeting. Switching modes every few hours from one client/job to another. Trying to keep track of the endless to-do list and ever-evolving schedule. It’s kind of a lot!!!

Historically (in my past life as a corporate b-word), when I’ve been this busy, it’s been incredibly overwhelming and stressful. In fact, in the last several months before I quit my corporate job, I started having anxiety attacks and I had to get a prescription for anxiety medication. I would be going about my day and suddenly my heart would be racing, blood pressure would go up for no reason. I would depersonalize at the office at random times. If you’ve never experienced depersonalization, it’s when you feel like you’re in a dream, seeing yourself from outside of your body. You feel totally disconnected from reality, almost like you’re in a different dimension. It’s a symptom of anxiety. And it’s terrifying.

So with everything going on right now, you would think I’d be screaming on the inside. But honestly?

I’m perfectly fine.

That’s not to say that I’m just breezing through. I get overwhelmed sometimes. I have days where I’m so tapped out I feel like I have to shut the world out for a while. I have to rest and recoup to get energized again. Or just lay in bed and binge watch a crime drama on Netflix until I’m sick of being in bed.

And I think I know why the busy-ness feels different this time. I quit my day job a few months ago and started freelancing and focusing on the podcast network I co-run with my partner. I have the immense privilege of being able to choose the work that I do and when/where I do it. I’m no longer waking up every morning and dragging myself through 1.5 hours of traffic to an office with hospital lighting just because the boss wants me to be there to make meaningless small talk with my colleagues. Sure, I don’t love every single task I have to get done. But overall, I’m moving through life with intention.

I know the corporate office routine works for some people, but I also think we live in a society that expects that from all of us, and it’s just not reasonable. I also know some people do it because it’s their only option. Not everyone gets to take control of their schedule. It’s a financial strain and it takes a lot of self-discipline. And even if you have the financial stability to do it, it’s scary to make that leap. It helps to have the safety net of a supportive partner or family, so you know that if you fail, someone will catch you. Not everyone has that. I feel extremely lucky.

So I can only speak for myself. And I can feel the difference in my mind and body. When I’m working on something not because I’m obligated to, but because I know it’s contributing to my own aspirations, it doesn’t feel so heavy.

This is probably the most cliche shit I’ve ever written, but it’s how I’m feeling today. So I guess just deal with it. I’m not even writing this as like a “self-help” thing to convince people to quit their jobs or something. This is a totally personal account of my own experience. And sometimes I just feel like writing out my thoughts.

I also think writing is like a muscle and if you don’t use it you cant write good anymore cuz dumbdumb.

So, I should probably write more. And read more. My brain is complete mush from scrolling through Instagram Reels of cats wearing little hats made out of lemons.

Ok, bye.

Oh yeah, and here’s a photo of me in a happy place. Being Wayne & Garth for Halloween. I’m just Garth. The other guy is Wayne. And the other guy is also my partner in love and business, Michael. Love and Business is a good title for a romance novel. Look out for that in my next post.