I feel like i’m letting my Substack down by not writing here even though I created it as a place to practice my writing and now look at me not writing and then being a whiny b**** about it!!!
give me a break! i’m busy!
I work a day job that I enthusiastically hate (hope HR isn’t Googling my name these days). I co-run an entire podcast network on the side. I’m moving into a new house (yay). I’ve been packing my whole life up into boxes. I’m also trying to be a good partner to my partner and feed my 3 pets and give my cat his pills and please my mother and take showers and get some f***** sleep in between.
But I want to write. So when am I going to write? I guess I’m writing now. But that’s because I’m putting off other work I’m supposed to be doing.
but it feels nice. so i’m doing it.
Unfortunately, because I’ve been so busy, I feel like I have nothing to write about. Sort of ironic. So much going on and I’m still drawing a blank. You ever get so busy that you just kind of stop having opinions entirely? And not in like a blissful “smooth brain” kind of way. Every centimeter (🍁) of my brain is taken up with bullshit I have to do and worry about.
I need space from the hustle & bustle in order to be able to have real, complex thoughts. And it’s kind of comforting to realize that. I’m always overwhelmed and anxious and I end up bubbling over to the point where I simply shut down and bury my head in my countless bed cushions and hope everything gets itself done without me.
And then I’m hard on myself for being so weak and not working as hard as everybody else. Or not accomplishing as much. But, I can’t even have proper thoughts when I’m overwhelmed so how can I expect myself to be constantly achieving?
Anyway, it’s now sinking in that I’m using these precious few brain cells to write this instead of writing the press release I’m supposed to be writing, so I guess I’ll get back to work.
I’m glad I took a few minutes to write something pointless for myself. And I hope you take some time to do something pointless for yourself today too.
♥
Oh, here’s a photo of me in a happy place. On the floor of a hair salon petting a stranger’s little cow dog.
This was a couple of months before I found out I had cancer! Part of why I’m constantly worried about dying and also a really fun story that I’ll tell you another day.
