writing is embarrassing

but i'm doing it

It’s probably the most normal thing in the world to start a Substack, get excited about writing down your thoughts, and then immediately stop and forget it ever happened. So here I am, the most normal girl in the world.

actually, I didn’t exactly forget.

I’ve thought about writing for the past few months but I keep stopping myself.

I called this thing “joy is embarrassing” because that’s a weird feeling I feel so often that I can’t really explain. And an off-shoot of that weird feeling is “writing is embarrassing”.

I don’t really believe that, of course. I think writing is a beautiful thing. But I so fear being judged, or even simply looked at. I’m not great at putting myself on display. I get so fucking awkward when everyone’s looking at me. And also, I run a business. What if someone out there who knows about my business looks me up and finds this very vulnerable, imperfect, sometimes stupid, thing that I write for no one? What if the people who know me professionally get a glimpse into my personal life, my insecurities, my fears?

would that be good or bad?

I actually don’t know. In real life, I’m a big proponent of making yourself vulnerable, of showing up authentically, bringing humanity and imperfection to your work and to how you interact with the world. I respect other people’s ability to let their guard down and be raw. I love to see other people’s flaws. I love to feel someone’s struggle through their work.

So, if someone from my professional life were to see my rawness, you’d think it wouldn’t bother me so much. But it does scare me. I keep stopping myself from writing these very personal little posts because I worry that someone might notice that I don’t have it all together. That I’m not always in control or confident. That I’m actually afraid or sad sometimes. What am I holding onto so tightly? Am I afraid of being seen as weak, as a loser? Is that just some weird shit left over from my teen years where I felt like the “weird” kid?

The thought of it gives me that icky, embarrassed feeling. But I decided to write that feeling down right here on Substack for all 9 of my subscribers to read because I believe there’s something really powerful in being able to feel the cringe, the embarrassment, and to see that, actually, nothing horrible will come from it.

If you’re someone who I’ve met in a professional context, I hope that reading this and reading through my older posts is not going to scare you away from working with me. My hope is that you can recognize me as another imperfect, vulnerable human being, just like yourself. And that this recognition strengthens our professional bond.

Find me on LinkedIn lol.

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Ok, here’s a photo of me in a happy place. Napping in a tree when I was ~17 years old. My best friend and I used to do these little photoshoots. This one was forest-themed. God, I miss those purple pants.